you look like a fruit loop

Dum de dum….

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while…I have been spending my days doing much more fun activities like spying on Ash Stymest (below) while he is on photo shoots (I work at a photographic studios by the way, I am not just following him around).

ANYWAY!

So sticking with the penis theme for now…this dude messaged me today….

wow.. great pics babe! Anyway you look like your game for a laugh :) Great pics and pro.. so,

CAN YOU HELP? HA

me and a mate are in competiton. I think i have a bigger cock than his.. and he thinks not. Will you judge please.. go on? Whats the worst that can happen lol

I wont tell if you dont..

Oh, and the votes are 2-2 at the mo..its 1st to 10.. xx

Yeah sure! If you just get your tape measure out and email me across the measurements I will glady tell you. No need for photos thanks!

I’m sure yours and your friends penises are really small anyway.

Anonymous Man No. 24

So this guy has decided to go for the Angelina Jolie ‘leg out’ look.

I’m still alive.

So I haven’t blogged for like 2 and a half weeks. This is not because I’m lazy but I think I was starting to become brainwashed. Brainwashed into thinking that there is just no hope for me because ALL MEN ARE WEIRD.

I’m going to guess that I’ve had around 100 messages sent to me, all from different men, since I’ve been on this site. I’m going to guess that about 15 of those were normal messages from normal sounding men. And when I say normal I mean no mention of a foot fetish, or wanting to masturbate in front of me, for example.

I’m beginning to worry that if I ever go on a night out and am scanning the room for attractive men, I’m going to be imagining that they all have no sense of humour whatsoever, have weird fetishes, and all use really cheesy chat up lines when talking to girls. I will then be running for the hills…by myself.

I am definitely worried when I receive messages that read-

‘I want to cake your face in a load of sperm’

(Anonymous Man No. 23, I will call him Mr *makes vomiting noises*)

Anonymous Man No. 22 

Hey, I like your pictures! What music floats your boat? Do you play any instruments or sing?? I bet you play a mean oboe :D

Phil x

So I have thus discovered that I have a suitable mouth for not just sucking c**k-but also playing the oboe. I’m not entirely sure if this is a compliment, however I’m willing to take it as one.

Anonymous Man No. 21 (I will call him Absolute Tool)

Received this about 2 minutes ago…

…. why you should take me up on this rather blunt, adventurous, once in a lifetime opportunity!

1. You’d be in the presence of a sex pest (with charm!)
2. I’m hung like a horse (yet you wouldnt do anything illegal!)
3. I can hold an intelligent conversation (believe it or not!)
4. You won’t have any regrets when you are old (“I wish I took him up on his offer 20 years ago!”)
5. You’ll have a secret for life
6. You won’t find better boyfriend/marriage material on this site (I think!)
7. You’d melt (I have an accent!)
8. I could still service you when I am 100 years old (my appetite will not slow down!)

So what is the offer?

The idea came today, when I was incredibly hungover in Cambridge on an uncomfortable couch, waiting for my friend to wake up so that I can go home. I started thinking how cool would it be to stop by your place on the way, strip down for you and have you watch me play with myself. No touching, that’d be inappropriate! Just watching :)

So if you like spontaneous, adventurous, flirty, straight forward, intelligent banter verging on the right side of filthy then let’s go for a spontaneous drink or two before the year hits 2013 and hopefully there’ll be some watching too ;)

Btw, you are absolutely gorgeous. Easily the most attractive woman on here!

Absolute Tool x

Yet another guy who wants me to watch him masturbate. I don’t understand, do guys think that this is what girls want?! I mean not that I would want to do this with a guy that I met on a dating website anyway, but even with a boyfriend it’s not the first thing I would choose to do when in the bedroom. Maybe this is just me though, maybe I am not the voyeuristic type. Maybe I need to embrace voyeurism…

ANYWAY this is totally not the point. THE POINT IS, does this guy think I am going to drop him a line and also my knickers, immediately after reading this? Well, ya know, if he’s hung like a horse then maybe I should consider it right?

After all, this is the first thing I look for in a man.

(You should take a look at this book if you too like men that are hung like horses)

Actually let me rephrase that…I don’t want to be Abbey Lee Kershaw- just be her lesbian lover for a day.

Anonymous Man No. 20 

A message I received on the weekend…

How are you doing ? You sound genuine and fun. Thought to give a shout and tell a bit about myself. I like English country pubs. Like traveling around the globe. Like trekking, photography, art and architectures, as I’m in to civil engineering. Do meditate and also quiet often yoga as well. I have learnt Indian classical singing and like to sing as well. I often riyaaz when I get times. Also into dancing. Have Learnt some basic salsa. I use to be a Yoga coach before. I also do reiki healing. I like theatres, plays, ballet, opera, soon planning to go to Tate Modern but looking for some good company, hehehe. Also Like clubbing with friends. I am a foodie, trying all different cuisines. That’s it for now. Looking at your profile you sound good. Would like to know more about you.

Ok so the first thing I had to do was google what the hell ‘riyaaz’ was…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uD4fxcTqwfs

I can honestly say that I could only watch this video for about 30 seconds due to the intense patterns that were being forced into my eyeballs. I decided to take a break from this video and google the other thing I didn’t that I didn’t have a motherfucking clue about….

I opted to ‘learn reiki in 10 minutes’ with a nice bearded man from New Jersey…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DDw0BrIXrk

Ok so I must confess I couldn’t exactly watch all of this video either. I think this was due to the intense white light that was being reflected off his shiny bald head. It was kind of distracting, and started me thinking about how I hadn’t eaten a dippy egg in a while.

Now I thoroughly believe in the benefits of yoga, meditation, cleansing the mind, body and soul blah blah blah (I actually used to partake in a spot of limb stretching myself, however could not return after a laughing fit occurred when a woman let out a little gas), but I think I would worry about dating someone who is stretchier than me.

HANG ON. Are you the guy that meditates every morning on a patch of grass near the tube station where I live, rain or shine? If you are then I applaud your stamina. However I’m sure this is not you.

Also, I have been to a salsa club before, and I know from his facial expressions that the random dancer man that dragged me onto the dance floor regretted this immediately.

I don’t think you are the man for me.

I have not blogged for 3 days. I am a terrible blogger. Good job no one is following me.

So this weekend consisted of more vodka drinking and sun basking than checking dating websites and blogging about the overly confident ‘men’ that try to woo me.

I was hoping that the cute guy with the beard and red hat in the pub on Saturday would try and woo me, but I don’t think my drunk eyes and burrito sauce stained top were doing much for me. He would never be on a dating website.